It’s tax season again and most of you have already filed your taxes.
Oops! You should have waited until we posted this article before you
made such a huge mistake. Sure, you’re getting your refund back quicker,
but you will be making cents on the dollar because of your hasty
decision. But never fear! Just bookmark this page for next year! Here
are 9 Tips For Getting the BIGGEST Refund on Your Tax Return.
1. Write Off Everything!
You spent a lot of money this year. If you’re anything like me you
probably spent all of it and then some. But guess what? You can write it
all off. All you need are all of those receipts that you accrued over
the past year. Write down everything you bought on your returns and send
the receipts, too. While you’re at it write off the things you only
dreamed of getting. That sports-car you always wanted? Write it off.
That dream home in the Cayman Islands? Write it off, too! Believe me,
your IRS agent doesn’t have time to look over all of these claims so
he’s likely to just skip over it and take your word for it. Be creative
and have fun!
2.
File a Return in Someone Else’s Name
Look at all of that money you’re getting back on your own return. You
want more? Then do it again. All you have to do is find someone who
hasn’t filed their taxes yet and beat ‘em to it. And if everyone else
has already filed just send your returns in again but under a different
name. I’ve done this about four or five times already. The hardest part
is coming up with a new name that sounds plausible. So if you opt for
the latter of the two choices then don’t use the names I came up with so
the IRS doesn’t get suspicious. These names are off limits: Rory
Pruneface, Buddy Holly, Standfort P. Quailson, and Jeff Breeches.
3.
Fudge a Decimal Point or Two
If you learn anything from tax professionals it’s that the IRS is
pretty forgiving. Now, we don’t want to say to take advantage of this
point, but the phrase “ask for forgiveness instead of permission” has
never rang more true. There are so many dots in documents, who’s to say
where everyone of them are supposed to go? Let’s just say your $100.00
return is “accidentally” sent in as $1000.0, that’s 900.0 extra dollars.
What are they gonna do? Fine you? No problem you got an extra cool nine
hundo. They could put you away for a while, but come on, that’s free
room and board. Jackpot! It’s a win-win.
4.
Marry Multiple People
Have you ever looked at a couple and realized by the way they act
around each other that they only got married for the tax breaks? Well
Mr. and Mrs. Bellamere had the right idea. The best way to reap the
rewards of this benefit is to take full advantage of this loophole. Utah
has no laws concerning polygamy and Nevada is just next door, where
it’s practically illegal to NOT get married at a casino. You might be
asking yourself “But what do I do with all of these wives I have just
acquired? And can I write off the dowry?” My answer is a resounding “I
don’t know. You’ll just have to figure that out on your own.” I’m a tax
expert, not a marriage counselor.
5.
“Donate” Your Years Wages to “Charity”
Get a dog, name it Charity, donate all your money to your dog, but
the dog is yours, BAM! That money is yours too. And what kind of sickos
would come after you for their money when you have “donated” it to
“Charity”. They should be ashamed of themselves for asking money from
someone who has gone through all that work to appear as if he was so
altruistic as to appear to give all his earnings to the needy. Shame on
the IRS indeed.
6.
Don’t File Your Returns At All
Sometimes you end up owing “The Man” more money than anticipated. No
matter how much you work the numbers Uncle Sam demands blood from this
turnip head. So how do you get the biggest refund? Don’t file! It’s just
as good as getting a refund. And the thrill of the unexpected visit
from the IRS is well worth the money you should have been able to keep
in the first place.
7.
Claim Taxational Amnesty
You are a sovereign citizen and the Government should know this.
Because you believe so deeply in your independence, the Government
cannot deny your right to do what you truly believe in. It’s called the
“First Amendment”. If you believe in something, you can claim it is an
integral part of your own personal kooky religion, and that freedom is
one no Governing body has ever been able to fight against in the whole
history of everything. As Oprah once said “Believe in it and it will
come true.”
8.
Report People Who Cheat on Their Taxes for That Sweet Reward Money
Really, snitching should be its own reward. It’s what makes nations
great. Well, not great, but oppressive for sure. If history has told us
anything, telling on your friends and family for profit is a limited
time offer. But it will be good to get in the practice before it becomes
a requirement that failure to report will be worse than death, or just
death. I for one believe that the IRS would never do anything to harm
anyone, unless they deserve it. So cash in now, turn in the traitors,
and get on the good side of the Government, the right side.
9.
If All Else Fails, File For Extension After Extension Until the IRS Just Gives Up
The IRS is a busy syndicate and they don’t have time for your mind
games. And the statue of limitations only lasts so long on filing your
taxes. But they can’t prosecute you if they grant you an extension,
which they are legally obliged to do if you ask for one. But don’t
forget to file for further extensions once your current ones are about
to expire. Keep it up, otherwise the IRS will come around the docks
where you work and break your thumbs.
Follow these rules and you’ll be sure to get what’s coming to you. What’s your favorite way to embellish your taxes?
Jeremiah Stern is a Releventist contributor and proud former H&R
Block applicant. This is not sound financial or legal advice. All
persons considering following steps outlined in this article should
first seek financial, legal, and psychiatric council from a
professional.